No Longer a Pebble
For the month of July, I completed not one, not two, but THREE chapters for three different books. It felt amazing! However, I couldn’t decide which one to publish. I realized that I didn’t want to publish any of them at this time, because it simply doesn’t feel right yet. Something inside of me is communicating to me to wait, and that the reason for waiting will eventually be clear. I’ve done a great deal of personal work in the area of intuition, and for whatever reason, mine is telling me to hold off on publishing certain chapters for the time being.
What is intuition, exactly? It’s something we all sort of know that we’re supposed to have, but people experience widely varying feelings of “connection” with. Is intuition our conscience? Is it messages from our cellular biology? The DNA of our ancestors? Our own “higher” intelligence? God? All of the above and more? I’ll not posit to have the definitive answer. But I do believe that at its core, what we call “intuition” is a form of quantum communication between us and the Universe that transcends time and space.
It’s how a newly hatched sea bird that has never seen its mother knows to head to the water and call out for her. It’s how flowers know what colors and scents attract their pollinators. Many of us learn to ignore or question our intuition, especially those of us who have struggled with trauma, mental illness and/or addiction. Losing touch with our intuition and discovering how to reconnect with it is a theme that I explore a great deal in my unpublished work. This seems like as good an opportunity as any to introduce some of the concepts surrounding intuition that I’ve developed to aid in recovery from mental illness and trauma.
When I think about the times in my life when I was the most “unwell,” they were times when I was completely disconnected from my own body and what it needed. In that extremely unbalanced state, I couldn’t distinguish between rational and irrational thoughts. They all washed over me at once like the raging water of a river, and I was but a pebble—powerless against them as they tossed me back and forth, with no control over my direction.
This is in stark contrast to how I feel now. No longer a pebble, I have fortified myself mentally & spiritually into a small but formidable boulder, which continues to grow stronger and larger each day. The thoughts still flow over me at times, but now I am grounded in place by things that I know to be true.
For example: I know that thoughts fueled by negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, and shame tend to be of the irrational variety. Following or leaning into these thoughts creates a psychosomatic effect in my body by causing rapid heart rate, hypertension, abdominal discomfort, shallow breathing. This brings the “fight or flight” metabolic response into full swing, increasing the sense of impending doom, anxiety, and dread. In the past, it was impossible for me to come back from this precipice once I’d reached it. The thoughts flowed unhindered, pushing me over the edge into a downward spiral.
Conversely, I know that thoughts fueled by positive emotions such as love, compassion, and hope tend to be of the rational variety. Following or leaning into these thoughts also creates a psychosomatic effect in my body, except it causes my heart rate to slow down, allows me to take a deep breath, reminds me to drink water, and allows me to release tension. Rather than a “panic” response being activated, my body and mind receive the signal that they are not in danger, they are safe, and everything is OK. I now know that these positive thoughts and emotions are the antidote to the negative ones, they are the pieces of sediment that I’ve collected all around me to weigh me down into the ground.
When the disordered, negative thoughts start to rage, I do still experience a moment where it could go either way. For a second, I’m the pebble again. That’s when I check in with my intuition and ask myself: how is this thought making me feel? What reaction is my body having to this set of thoughts, and why? If any of the symptoms associated with a “fight or flight” response are starting to creep in, that means this is the time to step in and counter those thoughts before they take me in a direction I don’t want to go in—towards the cliff’s edge. In that instant, I must remember: I’m no longer a pebble.
To use another metaphor (or is it a simile?), intuition is the wavelength through which information from our quantum time-lines (the past, present, and future) is transmitted. Our bodies are the receiver, our minds are the transmitter. For a long time, both my my receiver & transmitter were broken, and I couldn’t accurately process or interpret what was being communicated. I’ve been tirelessly working on repairing them DIY-style for 15 years, with the help of a few good therapists, my chosen family, and my spiritual Truth.
I’m now at a place in my journey where I want want to communicate the breakthroughs and pieces of wisdom that advanced my overall wellness and connection to intuition the most. If my experiences and reflections can help others repair their “receivers” and “transmitters” in much less time than it has taken me, then I believe that I owe it to them, to myself, and God to share them passionately, confidently, and effectively. That is exactly what I’m aiming to do through my writing and content from here on out.
**The image and caption included in this essay are both the original intellectual property of Lauren Davidson. The image was created specifically to accompany this original essay, as a visual representation of the metaphor contrasting a moveable pebble with a grounded boulder, from which the title originates. The caption was written to be as vivid a description as possible to convey both the literal elements of the image and their metaphorical meaning to individuals with visual impairment using assistive technology that reads text. This image was created using AI technology, and is owned by Lauren Davidson. Neither the image or the caption are authorized for reuse or reproduction without permission or credit. Contact for permissions: lauren@astrallawgroup.com**